


Sad Savior

by twenty3



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Comfort Sex, Established Relationship, Heavy Angst, Howard Stark's A+ Parenting, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, M/M, Past Abuse, Past Drug Addiction, Past Drug Use, Sexual Content, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Suicide Notes, Tony Stark Gets a Hug, Tony Stark Has Issues, Tony Stark Needs a Hug
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-18
Updated: 2020-10-18
Packaged: 2021-03-09 01:27:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,905
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27086308
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/twenty3/pseuds/twenty3
Summary: While Tony is going through his old things, Stephen stumbles upon a note Tony wrote when he was sixteen. A note addressed to Howard. A note Stephen wishes never existed.Tony assures him it's not a big deal and tries to brush it off.It was written over thirty years ago. But how can a suicide note ever not be a big deal?
Relationships: IronStrange - Relationship, Tony Stark/Stephen Strange
Comments: 12
Kudos: 210





	Sad Savior

**Author's Note:**

> Please, please, please mind the tags!
> 
> This story, like another one I'm finishing up, deals with suicide. Here, it's an attempt Tony made when he was sixteen. I don't go into graphic detail, but this topic is of course extremely triggering so please do not continue if this is something that would bother you in any way whatsoever. 
> 
> I never liked how the MCU brushed Tony's mental health issues aside after bringing them up in Iron Man 3. They didn't start just because of New York. And they didn't just go away because he got rid of his suits for a hot minute. This is something that's been rattling in my head for a while now, and in conjunction with another story I've been working on for about a year that I'll hopefully have up next month, this is what came out.

And just why was it, exactly, that earth shattering revelations always came from the most innocuous of moments?

Stephen Strange would find himself wondering just that.

Despite having been in a committed relationship with Tony Stark for the better part of two years now, the sorcerer never quite knew what he would find upon his return to the penthouse in Stark Tower. Most times he would find Tony in the lab, buried in one project or another. Sometimes with Peter, often times alone. Every once and again Stephen would find his boyfriend in the kitchen or living room, eating leftovers and pacing around while he fiddled with holograms projecting from numerous tablets. And on the rarest of occasions, he would find Tony curled up in bed, anxiously awaiting the arrival of the taller man and unable to actually sleep until he had his arms around Stephen.

But today was a new situation entirely. He found Tony in his bedroom, papers and photographs scattered across the mattress while he pulled more from a black box at the end of the bed.

“Hey, honey,” Tony breathed upon seeing Stephen appear in the doorway. “How’s Kamar-Taj?”

“Fine,” Stephen managed to reply before his lips were claimed by Tony’s. “What are you doing?”

Tony sighed heavily. “Looking for something for Rhodey.”

Stephen hummed. “How’s he doing?”

“Okay, I guess,” Tony answered with a shrug. “Considering.”

Just over a week ago, Rhodey’s mother passed away after a long and happy life. All of her children and grandchildren were there in the final week to say their goodbyes. Tony included. Upon Rhodey’s arrival at the hospital in Philadelphia, Roberta Rhodes had demanded to know where her other son was.

Tony was there faster than the laws of physics should have allowed for.

“What are you looking for?” Stephen asked, following Tony as he went back over to the bed. His eyes scanned the random assortment of belongings he saw there, focusing mostly on the pictures. He smiled at the images of a young Tony, with his mother, Jarvis, Rhodey and his family.

“Robs gave me a card for graduation,” Tony started to explain while going back to flipping through the contents of the box. Stephen felt his heart tug at the use of the nickname Tony had given his best friend’s mother. “She wrote that she was glad Rhodey and I got stuck with each other at school. It was – she just wrote a lot of great stuff about him in it. I thought he would want it.” Tony tugged his hands through his hair. “But I can’t fucking find it. I know I didn’t throw it out. I wouldn’t have done that. I just don’t know where else it could be.”

The near panic in Tony’s voice quashed the smile from Stephen’s face. “Have you seen it recently?”

Tony thought for a second before shaking his head. “I don’t think so. I don’t ever look at this stuff.”

Without giving it much thought, Stephen started to pick up items from the bed and began to look through them. Tony didn’t protest, but instead watched the flashes of fondness cross Stephen’s face as he looked at the papers and photos in his hands. There were a lot of old designs, the initial plans for JARVIS, notes from classes at MIT.

Stephen didn’t comment on the fact that Tony had held on to all of this for so many years. He knew the other man well enough to know that there wasn’t necessarily a reason for why he kept some of it. Tucking it away in a box and forgetting about it was easier than revisiting it and deciding what he should keep and what he should get rid of.

When Stephen landed on the picture of Tony and Howard on the motorcycle from when Tony was about six, something in Tony’s mind clicked.

“It could be in there,” he thought out loud to himself before leaving the room to head towards the lab.

With a chuckle, Stephen continued to sift through what was in front of him. He knew that Tony wouldn’t have missed the card, but thought a second of set of eyes wouldn’t hurt.

And he couldn’t deny that looking at a glimpse of things that mattered to Tony made his heart swell.

Until he found the notebook.

There was really no reason he should have even opened it. It was clearly something Tony had used for one class or another, with equations and diagrams scribbled across the pages. The familiar handwriting brought Stephen’s smile back, but that was short lived.

About halfway in, a single loose folded sheet slid out and landed on the floor between Stephen’s feet. He bent to pick it up, and would have just stuck it back in and closed the notebook to put it aside had he not recognized that the page contained words instead of numbers.

It was folded and fell in a way that allowed for him to read the first sentence in the time it took him to stand up straight again.

_This is the only thing I can think of to do that you won’t resent me for, so I hope you’re finally happy._

Without a shadow of a doubt, Stephen knew exactly what he had in his hands. He knew he should just shove the page back into the notebook and put it down before things got any worse. He knew this wasn’t meant to be seen by him, by anyone, and it would be a violation of Tony’s trust to keep reading.

And yet, he unfolded the sheet with fingers that were trembling even more than usual and did just that.

_All I ask is for you to lie to mom and Jarvis. They can’t ever know about this note. It’ll just look like an accident. Your drug addict disappointment of a son finally fucked up for the last time._ _Just like you wanted. Just like you said, right? You would have been better off adopting._

_I_ _really don’t know what else to_ _write_ _. I know you don’t care and I know you don’t love me._ _Sorry I didn’t do this sooner I guess. But I had to wait for the perfect time, for you to be the one to find me and make sure you do whatever you have to to keep this from them. You don’t even have to do it for me. Just do it for mom and Jarvis. I know you at least don’t hate them like you hate me._

Even though the words were burned into Stephen’s mind after the first pass, he found himself reading it over and over again. Now he was able to note that Tony’s hand had definitely been shaking when he wrote this. There were a few spots at the bottom of the page, small and round where the paper was discolored.

Tear drops.

Stephen’s eyes were locked onto them when Tony came back into the room, triumphantly declaring that he had located the missing card in Howard’s old trunk. Why he had put it there, he didn’t know.

His rambling stopped when he realized how still Stephen was and the fact he hadn’t looked up upon Tony’s entrance.

“Stephen? What’s wrong?”

It took several long moments before Stephen was able to respond. “I, uh, I didn’t mean to,” he stammered, his voice raspy from his dry throat.

“Didn’t mean to what?” Tony asked. His eyes were trained on Stephen’s face, and not the paper in his hands.

Until Stephen held it out towards him. “I was looking for the card. In case you missed it. And I found this.”

At first, Tony didn’t know what Stephen was talking about. He couldn’t imagine what Stephen could have possibly seen that would make his face so pale and voice so weak.

But then he looked down, and felt his heart stop in his chest.

Tony didn’t look over more than the first few words. He didn’t need to. He knew all too well what the rest said. But he pretended to study it to try and identify what it was to give himself some time to come up with a viable explanation to give to Stephen.

When he raised his eyes and looked up into the gray ones staring back at him, he knew there was nothing he could say. It didn’t take an advanced degree to recognize a suicide note.

“This isn’t – it’s not what you think,” Tony muttered, averting his eyes to anywhere but Stephen’s. “I was just being dramatic. If you think I am now, you should have seen me at sixteen.”

The number rang around in Stephen’s head until his vision started to blur. _Sixteen_. It didn’t come as a surprise, knowing that Tony’s parents had died when he was seventeen, and this was clearly meant for Howard. But having expected the age didn’t lessen the blow.

“Tony,” Stephen began, but soon found he didn’t have anywhere to go.

“I didn’t know this was in there,” Tony said quickly. “I wouldn’t have – I’ll get rid of it. I’m sorry.”

Before Stephen could reply, Tony disappeared from the room. Stephen was vaguely aware of the sounds of his footsteps going down the hall to the lab, where the door opened and closed for him silently.

After looking back down at a photograph of Tony, probably around the age of sixteen, smiling with Rhodey by a lake, Stephen’s heart sank and his stomach flipped. His legs managed to carry him into the bathroom so he could fall in front of the toilet as his stomach rebelled against what he had just read.

The hard floor bit into his knees, but Stephen didn’t care. He was too preoccupied with the fact that he had no idea what he was supposed to do. Even though his head was starting to clear, Stephen was still terribly lost. The look on Tony’s face when he realized what Stephen had found was burned into his memory.

It was the look of a broken sixteen-year-old kid who felt like he had no other choice but to take his own life.

There was no way to know how long he stayed there on the cold tile floor. It was long enough for him to vividly picture a young Tony, writing that note for his father with the intentions of it being the last thing he ever did.

Perfect brown eyes. The brightest smile Stephen had ever seen. An energetic laugh and hands that moved as fast as his mouth when he talked.

All of those things were what came to Stephen’s mind when he thought about Tony. Sure, he had seen the other man in the worst of situations. But he never thought about Tony spitting up blood on Titan, or screaming in pain after using the infinity stones to get rid of Thanos for good.

He only ever thought of the good stuff, the things he fell in love with.

The man he fell in love with.

But that note had given him a first hand account of just how much Tony had suffered in his life. Of how toxic and damaging Howard Stark truly was.

The urge to get sick again was starting to boil up when Stephen heard Tony leave the lab and go into the kitchen. The sounds of the other man starting to make dinner were so out of place with what Stephen was thinking and feeling that it took him several moments to place them.

For the first few seconds he stood at the edge of the kitchen, Stephen was convinced Tony was either going to ignore him, or pretend nothing had happened. Or both.

But the brunet finally stopped what he was doing and turned to look at Stephen, noticeably fighting back a sigh.

“I’m sorry you had to see that,” Tony said, as if it had occurred just a few moments ago. As if he hadn’t run away and hid for almost two hours. “But it’s not – please don’t worry about it, okay? I’m sorry, Stephen. But I can’t really...I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Okay,” Stephen said softly before he had any time to think of something else to say. The tone of Tony’s voice, the glassiness of his eyes didn’t leave him any other choice. The look of relief that came across the other man’s face made Stephen want to cry. “What – can I help? With, uh, with dinner?”

Tony nodded. “Yeah. Yeah, sure. Wanna do the salad while I get the pasta going?”

Stephen didn’t respond with words. He couldn’t. But his legs still worked, and allowed him to go over to the counter beside Tony and set to work washing the vegetables so he could chop them up.

When the silence got to be too much, Stephen started talking. About Kamar-Taj, and Wong, and the other sorcerers. It was just too much to let the quiet take over. Usually Tony was the one to fill the gaps in the conversation between them, but Stephen could tell he didn’t have it in him at the moment. The sudden exhaustion radiating off Tony was palpable, and Stephen just wanted to make it go away.

It wasn’t clear how successful he was.

Throughout dinner, Tony was engaged with what Stephen was saying, but didn’t offer much by way of responses. Despite making more than enough food for the both of them, Tony barely ate any of it. He drank half his glass of water and left the rest to sit by the mostly full plate in front of him.

Before Stephen could even try, Tony cleared the table swiftly. He started to rinse the dishes before giving up to leave them in the sink, turning back to Stephen, who was still seated.

“I’ve got some work I have to finish up,” Tony said, keeping his eyes down on the floor and shoving his hands in the pockets of his jeans.

Stephen felt tears stinging his eyes. “Oh, okay,” he said lamely. “I should head back to the Sanctum anyway, I guess.”

“I’m not kicking you out,” Tony said quickly, finally letting his eyes meet Stephen’s. “I just – I don’t know how long it will take, and I hate making you wait around for me. But you don’t have to go, that’s not what I mean.”

After a beat, Stephen stood and took a few steps towards Tony. But when he saw the other man tense he stopped, and suppressed the urge to scream. “I know. It’s okay. I’ll, uh, I’ll talk to you tomorrow?”

Tony nodded once. “Yeah. Of course.”

Without anything further, he turned and fled to his lab once again.

It took Stephen almost ten minutes before he could get his hands to stop shaking enough to slip his sling ring on and portal himself to the Sanctum.

***

The panic attack that greeted Tony once he crossed through the doorway to the lab was one of the worst he had experienced in his life. Maybe _the_ worst, but it was so hard to say. How can you compare them? All panic attacks sucked.

But this one was different. It was multi-faceted and so intense he wasn’t sure he was really breathing for most of it. Usually his brain would shut down on him during an episode, which was always the worst part. There wasn’t much worse for Tony than not being able to think.

Except when all he could do was think, and his mind was convincing him everything was going to be taken away from him.

_**How could you be so stupid?** _ His head wanted to know.  _**You’re never going to see him again. Why didn’t you get rid of that thing years ago? Why the hell would you keep something like that? What the fuck is wrong with you?** _

Tony didn’t have any answers to the questions pounding in his head. Even if he did, it wouldn’t do him any good. He was convinced it was over with Stephen, and there was nothing he could do about it.

_**You should have finished the job when you had the chance.** _

That thought hadn’t come to him in a while. Years. Decades, really.

And he knew it was all in his head. Or that was what he tried to tell himself, at least. Which was always easier said than actually accomplished.

When his breathing was finally back under control, Tony pulled himself off the floor where he had all but collapsed and dragged himself into his chair. He yanked the top drawer open and looked down at the note staring back up at him.

He still hadn’t gotten rid of it. For some reason, he couldn’t. It didn’t make any sense.

Maybe it had something to do with the fact that up until this afternoon, Jarvis was the only other person who had ever seen it.

Reading the words he wrote over thirty years ago didn’t have the effect Tony thought they would. He wasn’t transported back to that night. There was no onslaught of despair that he had felt when he penned these words. He just felt numb, and he knew it was because he was far more concerned with what this meant for him and Stephen.

So it really didn’t make a whole lot of sense that for the next three days, Tony completely ignored the man he was so desperate to keep.

It just really wasn’t something Tony could control. Seeing or talking to Stephen would mean addressing the note, addressing what had happened that night. Or almost happened.

And he just didn’t think he could do that.

If it wasn’t for the voicemail Stephen left him on the third night, Tony truly believed he would have completely shut himself off from the other man altogether.

Tony wasn’t even going to listen to it. Not right away, at least. But then FRIDAY decided to intervene, as she does, and got the ball rolling.

Stephen’s voice surrounded the space of the lab, making Tony jump slightly at the sudden intrusion into the silence. The sound made his heart fill and drop at the same time.

“ _I’m sorry to bother you, Tony. I know you’re really busy. I just wanted to – just checking in, I guess. I’ve gotta go to Kamar-Taj again in a couple days and was hoping to see you before I left. But I know you’re swamped, so maybe when I get back.”_

There was a long pause before Stephen exhaled a shaky breath, and the sound broke Tony’s heart.

“ _I love you, okay? Please know that. I love you so god damn much and I – I just need you to know that.”_

Without giving it any thought, Tony was out the door and on his way to the Sanctum.

It was almost a two hour journey on foot. But as far as Tony was concerned, it was only about two minutes before he was coming to a stop in the hallway leading to Stephen’s bedroom, where said sorcerer was just about to enter before pausing mid step upon seeing Tony appear before him.

“Hey,” Stephen said automatically. He only paused briefly before crossing over to where Tony was rooted to the spot in the middle of the hall. “Is everything okay?” Tony shook his head weakly. “What’s wrong? Did – did you walk here?” Stephen inquired when he felt the cold coming off of Tony and noted the flush in his cheeks.

“Yeah,” Tony sighed. “I needed the time to think.”

Stephen raised his eyebrows at that. “About what?”

“About what I’m going to tell you.”

_**You need to lie to him.** _

The voice in Tony’s head was  so  impossibly loud, he was sure Stephen could hear it too. 

_**Tell him it was just to make Howard realize what a dick he was. Tell him it was a stupid prank, or that you were never going to try to go through with it. You need to lie to him lie to him now or he’s going to leave you forever and then you’ll really want to kill yourself so just LIE TO HIM BEFORE YOU LOSE HIM.** _

“Tony, Jesus, you’re shaking,” Stephen was saying while Tony was internally berating himself. “Come here.”

There was no room for argument. Stephen closed the remaining space between them and wrapped his arms around Tony, drawing his chilled body against his own warm one. The shorter man immediately pulled himself tighter against Stephen and fought to keep his breathing even.

For a long time, they simply stood there in each other’s arms. It was only when Stephen was convinced Tony was never going to stop shaking that he gently tugged the other man down the hall into his bedroom. Stephen settled him into the love seat by the fireplace, which was suddenly roaring with warmth. A blanket was around Tony’s shoulders and a cup of coffee in his hands before the billionaire had any idea they had moved.

While he sipped at his drink, Tony positioned himself so he was angled towards Stephen, his left leg bent and pressed against Stephen’s thigh. He was trying to use his body language to apologize for going MIA for three days.

But he knew it was going to take more than that. He knew the only way to keep the fear and pain he had heard in Stephen’s voice during that message from returning was to talk to him about why it was there in the first place.

Just as Tony set his mug aside and prepared to start, Stephen beat him to it.

“You don’t have to say anything,” he said gently. “I wasn’t trying to guilt you. I’m sorry I didn’t give you space. But I – fuck. I’m sorry, Tony.”

_**This is where you lie. Tell him it’s fine. Say it’s okay, and none of this was a big deal, and just move past it. You’re right where you need to be. He feels bad. For you. Exploit that. He’ll forgive you so easily for making him worry about you for three days after finding a note you wrote when you were sixteen explaining to your asshole father why you were going to –** _

“I was never going to tell you.” Tony had to cut himself off before his mind ran away completely. So he started talking before he could convince himself otherwise. “It was never even on my radar, because it’s not something I think about anymore. So I don’t – I’m not going to lie to you. I want to tell you what happened. But I’m really fucking scared.”

Stephen fought to keep his facial expression neutral, to not let his concern show. “I don’t want you to be scared,” he said softly. “Especially of me.”

“I’m not scared of you,” Tony clarified quickly. “I’m scared of what’s going to happen after I tell you.”

For a long time, Tony watched Stephen looking back at him. The blue-gray eyes of his lover were always so calming, so grounding. He was quite sure he could get utterly lost in them.

“I don’t want you to be scared,” Stephen repeated. “I shouldn’t have been looking through your things like that.”

Tony shook his head. “No. No, Stephen, don’t. I’m not mad. You didn’t do anything wrong.”

“I’m still sorry,” Stephen said. “But I need you to understand that this doesn’t change anything. It doesn’t change how I feel about you, how much I love you. There’s nothing that could ever change how I feel. You don’t have to explain anything to me, Tony.”

Putting a name to the emotion that swept over Tony was very difficult. Namely because it was a mixture of about fifteen or so feelings all at once. Not the least of which was pure adoration for the man sitting next to him.

He had to swallow twice before he could respond. “I just – I want you to understand. Especially after the way I acted the last three days. I know I scared you. And I really don’t want you to have to worry about me any more than you already do.”

After a moment of consideration, Stephen nodded slightly. “I just – as long as this is what _you_ want. You’re not obligated to tell me anything. I promise, nothing has changed, nothing will change. But if you want to talk about it...”

He trailed off there, able to see in Tony’s eyes that he was sure. This is what he wanted to do, and Stephen would sit there for as long as he needed. Carefully, he slid his hand into Tony’s, squeezing the best he could, waiting patiently for the brunet to begin.

Before the thoughts in his head could try to take over again, Tony took a deep breath and let it out slowly. He kept his eyes trained on Stephen’s, and began.

“I know I never talk about my father. Now the reason for that is clear, I guess. He just – god, he was impossible. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t do anything right. The only time he ever paid attention to me was when he was yelling at me, or if a camera crew was around. I just...I couldn’t take it anymore.”

Tony adjusted his grip on Stephen’s hand to make sure he wouldn’t hurt him. He dropped his eyes to their intertwined fingers for a moment before he looked back up, determined to maintain eye contact. It was too risky not to.

It would be so much easier to lie if he wasn’t looking into those icy eyes.

“I got in trouble at school a lot that year. The year I, uh, wrote that note. I guess I was acting out for attention, trying to piss him off. It worked. We got into a huge fight, maybe the worst ever. I actually asked him for help. With the drinking and drugs. I said I needed to take a semester or two away from school and get some treatment. And he just lost it. He said he wished my mom had had another miscarriage so that they could have just adopted instead. Because any other kid would have been better than me.”

It was clear Stephen wanted to say something, anything to try and comfort the other man. Tony could see it written plainly on his face. But the sorcerer remained quiet. He remained stoic, because he knew that’s what Tony needed him to be.

A shaky breath left Tony’s lungs. “My mom was away. That was the biggest factor, because that way she wouldn’t...have to see me, you know? I thought I timed it perfectly. She was at her cousin’s wedding, and Howard was leaving. Another business dinner. I bought a bunch of sleeping pills from a guy at school, and had them mixed in a bottle with some other stuff. Oxys mostly, I think. So that it would be easier to believe it was an accident. But to be honest, at that point, I’m not entirely sure I cared anymore.”

The silence that followed stretched for so long even Tony thought that was all he was going to say. His hand was shaking in Stephen’s, but not enough to make him pull away. Once again, he dropped his eyes, and that’s when his mind started up again.

_**Do not tell him any more. Say you changed your mind. You realized you wanted to live. Nothing else happened. He can’t know, don’t you see that? For fuck’s sake. You cannot tell him that you actually tried he’ll leave you so god damn fast you won’t even see him go is that what you want because if it is then go right ahead and –** _

“Fuck,” Tony muttered. He pressed the heel of his free hand into his forehead, as if he could suppress the thoughts there. After a moment, he dropped his hand back to his lap and his eyes found Stephen’s again. “What I didn’t count on was Jarvis. He always saw more than he ever let on. Right after he brought my dad to the restaurant, he turned around and came home. Later, he said he knew something was wrong, and thought I just wanted to have a chance to talk to him when we could be alone. But he – I had already taken a bunch of the pills and drank half a bottle of vodka by the time he found me.”

Tony’s voice was so quiet at the end that Stephen almost hadn’t heard him. But he did. Every word of it. Tears stung his eyes, and the lump that formed in his throat made it very hard for him to take a full breath of air.

There were too many things he wanted to say swirling around in his head, but he couldn’t get a grip on any one of them for long enough to articulate.

Somehow, Tony felt almost calm. His own negative thoughts were still just at the back of his mind, but at the forefront was finally getting this off his chest. Finally talking about what was very likely the worst day of his entire life, although it was a close call with a few others.

“I don’t know how he did it, but he made me throw it all up. All I remember is shaking on the floor in the bathroom and him standing over me, but I couldn’t hear anything at that point. He never told my parents. I think he was too afraid of what my father would do to me if he knew. But he got me help. I know I should have went to him in the first place. Just – I thought...I don’t know.” Tony ran a trembling hand through his hair. “I don’t know,” he repeatedly quietly. “Jarvis kept the note. I’m not sure why. When he died, I had to go through all of his stuff because his wife was gone and I was the only family he had left. I’m not sure – I shouldn’t have kept it.”

A conservative estimate said there was about five thousand different things running through Stephen’s mind at the moment, and Tony could see it clearly. He could see Stephen was as exhausted from listening as Tony was from telling him all of this.

But he didn’t let that stop him. He needed to get this out.

Tony shifted slightly, tugging Stephen’s hand onto his lap gently. “I was scared telling you all of this was going to make me snap. That’s how I felt the other day, when I realized what you found. So I ran to the lab because I was worried I was going to lose it and make everything worse.”

“Make what worse?” Stephen asked, speaking for the first time since Tony had begun. He couldn’t stop himself.

The question made Tony’s brow furrow. “The, uh, the whole thing, I guess. The look on your face...you looked like you were going to be sick.” Stephen managed to keep his eyes from flicking elsewhere, which would have given it away that he had, in fact, been sick. “I just didn’t want to freak out and I didn’t know what to say or do and I’m sorry I just ran away on you but –”

“Hey,” Stephen cut in firmly, yet his voice was soft. Up until this point, Tony had kept his composure. But now that it was out, all he really had left to do was worry. So Stephen stopped it as soon as he could. “Don’t apologize. For any of it. You didn’t do anything wrong.”

“I tried to kill myself.”

There was no doubt in Stephen’s mind that he would have given anything to never have to hear Tony’s voice ever sound like that again. He was also quite sure he had no idea what to say to that, but found himself speaking anyway.

“I love you.” The words immediately made tears flood Tony’s tired eyes. Stephen smiled slightly. “I wish I had something more profound to say to you, but I don’t. I know there’s nothing I can say to erase everything you’ve been through. No matter how much I want to. I know it’s not enough, but I do. I love you.”

A laugh escaped Tony’s lungs, surprising himself as much as Stephen. “Not enough? You can’t be serious. Are you serious?” All Stephen could do was stare back at Tony. “You’re _everything_ , Stephen. I can’t believe I ever let you think otherwise.”

Stephen shook his head emphatically. “No, it’s not anything you’ve done. I don’t mean it like that. I just meant –”

Suddenly, Stephen couldn’t speak any more. His throat closed up with emotion, cutting off any ability to get more words out. All he could manage was a strangled breath, causing tears to build up in his eyes and spill down his pale cheeks before there was any chance at stopping them.

“Fuck,” Tony breathed. He released Stephen’s hand so he could move both of his own to frame the other man’s face, using his thumbs to brush away the steady stream of tears. “Please don’t cry. I’m sorry, Stephen. I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to do this. I never wanted to do this to you. I’m sorry, baby. Please don’t cry.”

On the last word, Tony’s voice broke. Telling Stephen about that night wasn’t as difficult as Tony expected. But now, seeing how affected the sorcerer was by what he heard caused Tony to think he had made a terrible mistake.

Still unable to speak, Stephen opted for pulling Tony into a tight hug. He buried his face against the shorter man’s neck as he wrapped his arms around Tony’s waist, all but pulling him forward into his lap. Tony’s arms folded around Stephen’s neck, returning the embrace willingly.

Tony could feel the taller man shaking against him. Or maybe that was just his own body, releasing the adrenaline that had built up during his recounting. Either way, the billionaire couldn’t quite remember a time he had seen Stephen this upset, and he was desperately trying to figure out how to fix it.

“Don’t leave me.”

The voice sounded nothing like Stephen’s, but of course it was him who had spoken. There was no one else in the room, and it hadn’t been Tony. The request made the shorter of the pair try and pull away, try and look into Stephen’s eyes, but the attempt made the arms around his waist tighten almost painfully to keep Tony in place.

So instead, Tony carded the fingers of his right hand through Stephen’s hair. “I’m not going anywhere,” he swore. And suddenly realized what the other man had really meant. “Stephen,” Tony exhaled shakily, but didn’t get to say anything else before he was being squeezed again as Stephen burrowed tighter against him.

“Please,” Stephen almost whined. Stephen Strange, Sorcerer Supreme, never whined. “Don’t leave me. I know I can’t fix everything, but I swear to god I’ll try. Just tell me what you need me to do to and just please. Tony. Please don’t leave me.”

A sob choked off the end of Stephen’s sentence and effectively broke Tony’s heart.

_**Do you see what you’ve done? Do you understand now? He doesn’t trust you. He thinks you’re a headcase and you’re going to off yourself the next chance you get, leaving him in ruin and despair because he loves you. Somehow, you tricked him into loving you. And now you’re going to destroy him.** _

After a brief struggle, Tony managed to pull away enough to look into Stephen’s watery eyes. He kept a hand firmly around the back of Stephen’s neck, while the other cupped the sorcerer’s cheek gently. The voice was still raging in his mind, but all Tony could care about was the brokenness in the eyes looking back at him.

“I’m not leaving you,” Tony repeated, surprised at how steady his voice was. “I need you to believe me. That’s not – I was sixteen. I was sad and scared and convinced myself it was going to be for the best. I was wrong. I know I was wrong, Stephen. That’s not something I would ever do to you, okay? I swear. I don’t feel the same as I did then, I don’t think that way anymore.”

A hard swallow preempted Stephen’s reply. “It’s okay if you do. I don’t want you to have to pretend everything is fine if it’s not. But I can’t let you believe that it’s the only answer, that you have to...” he trailed off, fresh tears falling from his eyes.

“I don’t. I don’t believe that anymore. Because I have you.”

It wasn’t entirely clear which one of them initiated the kiss that followed. But they both responded to it the same way – with barely controlled desperation that eventually overtook them. Stephen gripped Tony’s hips and tugged until he had the genius in his lap, reversing their usual height difference. Their hands were everywhere, never staying put for more than a few seconds before moving on to a new area to explore. The kiss was more teeth and tongues than anything, and was only broken during the time it took for Tony to yank Stephen’s shirt over his head so he could set to work on licking and sucking at the sorcerer’s neck and chest.

The pain in Stephen’s hands went mostly unnoticed as he groped at Tony. He palmed the brunet’s perfect ass, shifting his own hips up to meet the jerking of Tony’s while he tilted his head back to allow the other man more access. His other hand stroked up and down Tony’s thigh before slipping under his t-shirt, skimming across his toned stomach.

Just as Tony was about to start begging, Stephen stood, a single arm snaked around Tony’s waist holding him in place until he was able to wrap his legs around Stephen and keep himself up. Every emotion they had felt over the course of the last three days exploded between them. The goal was to convince the other that everything was fine. They were both still here, and felt they had to prove it in a matter of seconds or all would be lost.

It wasn’t until they were on the bed, both naked, with Tony arching up into Stephen above him that the former stopped suddenly. He pulled back slowly, his chest heaving in time with Tony’s as they fought to catch their breath. Tony almost shot off the mattress, chasing Stephen’s lips, but the younger of the pair slowed them both down. And not just to catch their breath.

“Stephen,” Tony breathed shakily, on the verge of a whine. “Please, baby, I’m sorry.”

Before he could say anything else, Stephen cupped Tony’s cheek and caressed the skin with his thumb. “I know you are. But you don’t have to be, Tony. That’s why – I want you to know how loved you are. I want to show you, to take my time with you. Can I do that?”

Words didn’t come to Tony right away. Without having to think, his fingers threaded through Stephen’s hair, keeping him in place while he leaned up for a kiss. A much slower, deeper kiss. The prior rutting between their bodies turned into more of a constant pressure than anything, but allowed for Tony to formulate a response.

“You can do anything you want to me, Stephen,” he exhaled against Stephen’s lips. “I’m all yours. I always will be.”

“Not to you,” Stephen corrected, “ _with_ you. I want it all to be with you.”

“Show me,” Tony replied, voice barely above a whisper.

So Stephen did.

He went almost agonizingly slow. Kissing every inch of skin as he made his way down Tony’s body. The shorter man was trembling beneath him for most of the journey, but seemed to calm down once Stephen was settled between his legs.

And then Stephen’s tongue was everywhere, and Tony felt sure he was going to explode.

Languid licks covered Tony’s shaft from the base all the way up to the tip, where Stephen swirled his tongue around several times before taking Tony into his mouth. For as long as he possibly could, Tony watched through hooded eyes, his hands tugging into Stephen’s hair desperately. Just when he was sure that nothing had ever felt this good, Stephen’s mouth moved lower, lips trailing over his balls and perineum before his tongue found Tony’s hole.

“Fuck,” Tony moaned shakily. “Stephen.”

The aforementioned man loved the way Tony could make his name sound like a swear. He dove deeper, the taste of Tony flooding his mouth while his trembling hands stroked the throbbing erection above him. This was something he would never get tired of, never stop doing if it wasn’t for Tony’s incessant begging breaking through the cloud of lust.

Stephen pulled back enough to look up at his completely wrecked boyfriend staring down at him.

“I need you inside me,” Tony rasped. “Please, baby. I need you.”

As soon as he was within reach, Tony seized Stephen’s lips in a bruising kiss. Stephen felt Tony’s hand working his dick, slicking him up with lube that he hadn’t noticed Tony acquire. Strong legs wrapped around his waist as Tony tried to force their bodies together.

Gently, Stephen took Tony’s wrists in his hands, moving them above the brunet’s head and holding them against the bed. “Breathe, Tony,” he instructed in his deep voice, which made Tony shudder. “Just breathe with me for minute.”

“Stephen,” Tony started to beg. He was stopped by Stephen kissing him deeply, but slowly.

Tony responded in kind, licking into Stephen’s mouth, chasing the taste of himself he found there. Stephen broke the kiss to mouth across Tony’s neck, settling next to his ear.

“That’s it,” he praised. “Keep breathing with me, honey.” The endearment made Tony shudder. “I love you. More than you could ever understand. This is nothing compared to what I feel for you.”

All of the air was knocked from Tony’s lungs. In the back of his mind, a jab at Stephen for telling him to breathe and then saying something that prevented him from doing just that was half formed when the man above him moved again. He released Tony’s hands, which immediately reached out for Stephen. One threading into his hair and the other settling into the small of his back. Their eyes met as a trembling hand steadied Stephen’s length to press against Tony’s entrance, stilling for a moment before he pushed inside the perfect heat.

Stephen watched as Tony’s eyes fluttered closed. The hand in his hair tightened almost painfully, while blunt nails scraped at the skin of his back. Just when he bottomed out Stephen’s own eyes fell closed, his head dropping forward until his face was buried against Tony’s neck.

He stayed still for several long moments, relishing the feeling of Tony’s body around him. He was fairly certain he could stay this way forever and be perfectly content.

“God, you feel so good,” Tony keened, ripping Stephen from his thoughts. “I love you, Stephen. I love you I love you I love you.”

Tony’s near chanting got Stephen’s hips moving. He dragged himself out of Tony until just the swollen head was encased in the tight muscle before he surged forward again. That pace held for a long time, hard and deep but slow, making them both feel every inch of it as Stephen moved.

But the weight of the last few days settled onto both of them. Tony’s hips started to jerk up to meet Stephen’s thrusts, adding to the pressure between them. He kissed and licked and sucked at Stephen’s long neck, biting and scratching at his shoulders. Stephen decided they had kept it slow for long enough, and now they both deserved their releases, deserved to come apart in each other’s arms.

With a sure hit to Tony’s prostate, Stephen took the neglected dick rubbing between their stomachs into his hand and stroked it firmly. Tony moaned loudly, rutting up against Stephen hard.

“You’re perfect, Tony,” Stephen swore against the other’s lips. “Absolutely fucking perfect.”

Tony moaned again at the words. “I’m so close, baby. I want to come for you.”

“I’ve got you, Tony. Let go.”

The impending orgasm was ripped from Tony’s body with a loud cry of Stephen’s name. His walls clenched around Stephen’s length, seemingly trying to trap him inside forever. The sight of the man he loved more than anything else in this world coming undone beneath him sent Stephen over the edge just as swiftly. He spilled deep into Tony’s body, continuing to rock into him as he worked them through their releases.

When Stephen finally stilled, Tony’s arms wrapped around him almost possessively. His shaking legs still clung around Stephen’s waist, keeping their bodies connected for as long as he possibly could.

As he opened his mouth to make more apologies, Stephen silenced him with a long, drawn out kiss.

“I love you,” he swore against Tony’s lips when they parted. “I’m always going to be here for you. There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for you. I love you.”

Several shuddering breaths came from Tony’s lungs. Stephen knew he wouldn’t be able to speak for a few moments. So he took the opportunity to pull himself from Tony’s body before either of them became too oversensitive. He released his hold on Tony for the brief moment it took for him to wave his hand, cleaning them up as good as any shower could.

It was clear neither of them wanted to get out of bed any time soon. Once the sweat and slick was off their skin they shuffled even closer together, seeking out each other’s warmth. Stephen rolled onto his left side, pulling Tony against his chest. Their legs tangled on their own accord, arms still securely around the other.

With his chin tucked over Tony’s head, Stephen thought the other man had fallen asleep. His breathing was deep and even. But his grip on Stephen never loosened, and after a few minutes, he spoke.

“I need to know that you believe me.”

Stephen’s fingers halted briefly in their path up Tony’s spine. “What do you mean?” he asked, continuing to stroke Tony’s soft skin.

“I need you to believe that I’m not going to – that I won’t leave you,” Tony breathed. “You have enough to deal with without having to worry about me like that. I swear, Stephen, I’m not in that place anymore.”

“I believe you,” Stephen said sincerely. “I know you wouldn’t lie to me.”

Tony wanted to pull back, to look Stephen in the eyes, but found he didn’t have the energy. “I know how lucky I am to have you. I would never do anything to jeopardize that. I would never do anything to hurt you.”

“I believe you,” Stephen said again as he tightened his hold on Tony. “Everything is okay, Tony. I promise. We’re okay.” Before Tony could say anything else, Stephen shifted the conversation. “Are you warm enough?”

“Yeah,” Tony sighed into Stephen’s skin.

“Get some sleep, honey,” Stephen mumbled against Tony’s hair.

No argument came from the brunet. The presence of Stephen all around him prevented the negative thoughts still swirling around in his mind from taking over. He focused on how relaxed his body felt, how safe and calm he was. The only way he ever felt like this was when he was with Stephen. Nothing else ever even came close.

It was several hours after Tony had dropped off that Stephen finally closed his eyes. He wanted to ensure that Tony was sleeping soundly before he even attempted to fall asleep himself. There was no way of knowing what time it was, but it didn’t matter. All that mattered was Tony was safe, in his arms, and that wasn’t going to change any time soon.

***

It was far too early the next morning when Tony began to stir. Stephen was already awake, and had been for some time. He was probably the only person on the planet who had a worse sleep schedule than Tony. His hands moved over Tony’s back, trying to ease him back to sleep. But the deep breath that came against his bare chest told him his efforts would ultimately prove to be futile.

Tony tried to burrow even more against Stephen. Over the course of the night, the temperature dropped just enough to border on being too cold in the room. Especially factoring in that neither of them put any sort of clothes on. But the heat from their bodies was doing just enough to prevent either of them from wanting to move at all.

After a few minutes, Tony shifted slightly in Stephen’s embrace. His left hand found the toned skin of Stephen’s stomach, where his fingers started to map out imaginary designs and equations on the expanse blow his belly button.

“We don’t have to talk about it again,” Stephen was saying before he realized he was going to speak. His deep voice disrupted the silence in the room, making him immediately wish he could take it back.

For a while it didn’t seem like Tony was going to answer. His fingers kept trailing over Stephen’s body, expanding their reach with every pass. Their bodies were pressed together at every inch, head to toe, and it seemed as if Tony was contemplating whether or not to take advantage of that fact. It would be easy to distract the both of them that way, give them more reassurance everything was okay before pretending this never happened.

But he knew he owed Stephen better than that.

So he pulled back to look into the gray eyes next to him. His hand came up from Stephen’s stomach to gently cup his cheek before he kissed him softly.

“I know you have questions,” Tony said, voice still laced with sleep.

Stephen shook his head slightly. “This isn’t about me.”

“It kind of is,” Tony disagreed. “It affects you. It affects us.”

“It doesn’t have to.”

“Stephen.” Tony smiled in that way he had. “It’s okay. Just ask me.”

The hand on his face moving to his neck made Stephen shudder slightly. He looked into Tony’s brown eyes for a long time, searching for any uncertainty. Any sign at all that this was a bad idea. But all he saw was Tony.

So he took a steadying breath. “Was that the only time you ever – have you ever felt like that again?”

“When I was in Afghanistan,” Tony answered immediately, as if he had been expecting that question. “But that was very different. I just wanted the torture to stop. It was just a comforting thought, that I had a way out. I never tried to act on it.”

Stephen swallowed. “When you were sixteen...was that the only time you...”

Tony understood without the question being completed. “Yes. I swear. Finally getting help after Jarvis found me was huge. I should have done that instead, I know that.”

“You were a kid,” Stephen said, voice breaking slightly. “It wasn’t your fault. You went to your father for help and he – fuck, Tony. I’m so sorry you had to go through all of that.”

“I’m sorry I kept it from you,” Tony whispered.

Stephen shook his head again. “Don’t be sorry. Not for this. Not to me.” A trembling hand came up to rest on Tony’s, still against Stephen’s neck. “The only other thing I need to ask is that you know you can always come to me, with anything, right?” Tony looked back at him with glassy eyes. “No matter what it is. I’m always – you don’t ever have to hide from me.”

“I know,” Tony said so softly Stephen almost hadn’t heard him. “I promise you I will.”

With no other words coming to mind, Stephen opted to kiss Tony instead. They stayed impossibly close as their tongues mingled, but neither made a move to escalate the moment. The extra warmth building between them was welcomed, but their bodies weren’t quite ready to take it to the next level quite yet.

The emotion from the last several hours just didn’t want to leave them. Stephen seemed hell bent on trying to kiss away years of pain and torment Tony had gone through, while the latter was doing everything he could to convince Stephen he didn’t need to.

Reluctantly, Tony pulled away, allowing both of them to get some much needed air. “Do you have anything you need to do today?” he asked shyly.

“No,” Stephen exhaled more than said, running his fingers through Tony’s hair. “Do you?”

Tony shook his head. “Can I hang out here? I really fucking miss you.”

“Of course you can,” Stephen said before pressing his lips to Tony’s forehead. “I miss you too. How about we get a little more sleep then figure out something for breakfast?”

“I already know what I want for breakfast,” Tony hummed.

Stephen laughed softly. “Of course you do. Anything you want, Tony.”

“I just want you.”

“You’ve got me,” Stephen swore.

They drifted back to sleep, having nothing to worry about other than how they were going to spend their day together. But that could be sorted when they woke up.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for clicking, for reading, for leaving kudos or comments. Whatever you could. Always appreciated.


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